UNC: Stoned
by tiramisoup
Summary: Set during the UNC: Espionage Probe assignment - the nuke in the mine. Shepard is injured in the explosion, and her meds make her a little loopy. Shenko oneshot, fluff.


**UNC: Stoned**

* * *

><p>"You know what's funny?" Shepard drawled, continuing before Kaidan could reply. "Noses."<p>

She illustrated her point by raising a shaky hand and pressing a finger to the tip of her nose. Then she did the same to him.

"Commander," Kaidan spoke slowly, as if to a child, "you're stoned."

"Yep," Shepard confirmed matter-of-factly. She shifted in his arms, eyeing him with a lazy grin. "You should try some. We could have hot, stoned sex on the floor. You could feel something besides that armor digging into your skin."

Kaidan felt heat creeping over his face, and rushing... farther down.

It was going to be a long wait.

* * *

><p>It wasn't exactly a routine mission — or maybe it was, since the <em>Normandy<em> was not your normal frigate and Shepard sure as hell wasn't your normal captain, being an N7 and a Spectre and, apparently, Admiral Hackett's errand girl.

The Admiral had pinged the _Normandy_ for an urgent mission: an Alliance probe with a nuclear fail-safe was missing somewhere in a nearby system, and Commander Shepard had to retrieve it before it blew everyone to hell and brought down the wrath of the Council.

Shepard had a few choice words to say about Hackett and the state of his visceral organs if this wild goose chase got her techs blown up, but in the end she shuffled Kaidan Alenko and Tali'Zorah into the Mako and tracked down the distress beacon.

At the bottom of a mine shaft.

Shepard had a few more words to say about that, but they proceeded through the underground structure without resistance.

Then there was the explosion.

Not the bomb, but a series of meticulously arranged fusion containment cells, hidden behind the numerous storage crates occupying the main cavern.

Kaidan's world went white, dust filling his lungs as the ceiling collapsed, his shields flickering and failing as shrapnel from the shredded canisters and chips of rock pelted his armor. He threw up a barrier, trying to see through the afterimages flashing in his vision, trying to hear over the ringing in his ears.

Shepard was crouched next to a stalagmite, omni-tool glowing, yelling at Tali through her suit comm. Kaidan could hear the static.

Then there was the cursing.

Tali was fine, furious but unharmed. She'd been trailing behind the others, and now they were separated by a massive wall of fallen rock, with no way around. Their suit comms were fuzzy but working, but they couldn't contact the _Normandy_; something about the surrounding rocks dampened the signal. There was no way for Shepard and Kaidan to go but down, farther into the mine. Tali would have to back-track to the mine entrance and establish a link to the ship from the surface.

Kaidan turned back to Shepard with a half-smile and a sarcastic comment about their luck.

Then there was the blood.

There was a long gash in Shepard's hard-suit. She'd been standing too close to one of the canisters when it blew; the explosion had overwhelmed her shields and a stray piece of shrapnel had torn through the flexible mesh along her abdomen, cutting into the ceramic plating around her ribcage, where it was still lodged.

Her suit's microframe had responded to the trauma and covered the area with medi-gel, but not before blood had trickled down and stained the surrounding fabric.

She waved away Kaidan's concern as they traipsed down the next tunnel.

* * *

><p>Elanos Haliat was like a cartoon villain, taunting Shepard with his evil plan before trying to kill her.<p>

It was fascinating, watching the two of them trade barbs, before the man's hologram flicked off, leaving Shepard and Kaidan at the bottom of a mine with a ticking bomb.

Kaidan set to work disarming it as Shepard leaned heavily against a wall, one hand pressed to her side. She pulled her helmet off; her skin was pale and slick with sweat.

He tried to focus on the panels in front of him. It would be really embarrassing to get them killed because he was preoccupied with his commanding officer.

Not that he was. He was just worried because she was injured. Nothing improper at all about that. Practically a requirement of his post.

"Got it, Commander," he declared triumphantly as the last LED blinked out.

"Well done, Lieutenant," she murmured. Kaidan turned his head to look at her. She hadn't moved, but a pained frowned marred her features.

"Commander," Kaidan began. He didn't want to overstep his bounds, but he was the squad medic, and if she was still in pain — gut wounds were never good; hard-suits were designed to protect with shields and ablative plating, not go toe-to-toe with edged projectiles; medi-gel was a local anaesthetic, it wouldn't help a deep tissue injury —

"I'm fine," she said more firmly. "I'll be fine."

He pulled off a glove and reached into one of the pockets lining his belt, producing a small bottle of pills. He shook one into his bare hand and passed it to Shepard.

"Take this. It's a strong narcotic. It'll help the pain."

"Thank god for trauma kits," she said with a weak smile.

She opened her canteen and swallowed the pill easily. Kaidan took the opportunity to run a medical diagnostic with his omni-tool. Extensive damage to muscle and epithelial tissue, multiple contusions, no hemorrhage, no concussion, no organ trauma. She _was_ going to be fine.

"So. I guess we're stuck here. In a mine," Shepard said drily.

"We've been in worse situations, Commander," he reminded her. At least this mine wasn't infested by plant zombies vomiting noxious fluids all over them.

She sighed.

* * *

><p>The wall protruded at an awkward angle. The cool stone pushed against his hard-suit in odd places, causing the segmented plating to press sharply into his muscles. Shepard apparently had the same problem; she shifted constantly beside him, before giving up entirely and leaning against his chest, instead.<p>

He stiffened, unsure how to respond.

She didn't notice, or maybe didn't care, just leaned her head back, eyes closed. Kaidan relaxed, hesitantly raising his arm to lie along her shoulders. This was... nice. Odd, but definitely good.

Then she started babbling about noses, and sex, and Kaidan, damn it, was already trapped. Stuck between a wall and Shepard.

As a woman, this was precisely where he wanted her to be — well, not in a mine, not in so much military-grade hardware, or bleeding — but in his arms was a good start. As his CO... it was better not to go there at all.

"You're cute when you blush, Alenko," she rambled on. "Not sure if you're cute enough to get court-martialed for."

"Ma'am," he said, trying to think of a neutral response. _Thank you? Glad you thought of me for your fraternization needs? Screw the regs, let's do it?_

"What are biotics like in bed? No, no, never mind," she waved a hand dismissively, "find out later."

What did that mean? Kaidan's hard-suit was getting very tight in very uncomfortable areas.

"I'm glad you're here, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, ma'am," he rasped.

"Because I suck at disarming bombs," she said, giggling. Shepard, giggling. Shaking against his chest. Oh, god. "And I would hate to get blown to smithereens."

"Like Wile. E. Coyote?" Kaidan asked with a sincere smile, trying to ignore his body.

Shepard looked at him in astonishment. "You know who Wile E. Coyote is?"

"Of course. My brothers and I used to watch old cartoons before school," he told her, surprised at himself. They talked often on the _Normandy_, but usually about safe topics, like their drill sergeants, drunken shore leave antics, or previous postings. He'd told her about BAaT, clumsily, trying to make a point about something else, but they had shied away from anything pre-enlistment.

"Wait, how do you know?" he asked her, grasping at a conversation that was _not_ about... them. Together. "I thought you grew up on spaceships."

"Mostly," she said with a shrug. Kaidan did not care about the way her body slid against his. At all. "I went to school when we were groundside, but my parents home-schooled me when they were both deployed. Not a lot to do on a ship after you finish studying. Not many other kids. I spent a lot of time on the extranet. I could download books and vids to a data pad and carry them around."

"That makes sense," he said, nodding. "We didn't really have that at BAaT. Closed network."

"Oh, that's right," she said sympathetically, "I remember. Poor Kaidan grew up without porn."

Kaidan's breath caught in his throat. He struggled not to cough. Shepard carried on, oblivious.

"Is that why you're so shy? Maybe you should spend more time with Joker."

That was the _last_ thing he needed, especially in this condition.

"Maybe you should spend less time with Joker," he muttered, but she heard him.

"What?" she cried, sitting up and pulling away from him. Her sudden absence left Kaidan with an unpleasantly empty feeling. "Joker's my porn buddy!"

Kaidan groaned inwardly. _Not_ the image he needed. Or... maybe it was; it was hard to be aroused at the thought of Joker and Shepard getting off together.

"We could be porn buddies," she elbowed him, grinning wickedly.

Aaaand he was right back where he started.

Shepard canted her head to the side, looking at him intensely. Kaidan felt he was being evaluated. Then she hummed a little, and settled back against his chest, sliding farther down until her shoulders were level with his stomach. Kaidan fought with himself for a moment, gave in, and draped an arm over her, resting his hand on her upper arm. He was already in hell; might as well enjoy it.

"I don't really have a porn buddy, you know," she said in a small voice.

He smiled. "That's all right, ma'am."

"I'm glad you're here, though."

"Yes, ma'am."

"This wouldn't have been nearly as fun with Tali." She twisted around, lying on her back with her head in his lap.

Kaidan swallowed, staring at the wall, glad for the layers of ceramic plating between them.

"See? Cute when you blush," she said, poking his cheek with a finger. She fell silent. Her eyes drifted shut.

"Commander?" Kaidan whispered, frowning.

"'m fine, Alenko," she mumbled. "Run the orange thingy. Just tired. Must be the meds." Her eyes snapped open, and she glared at him. "You drugged me, Lieutenant!" she said accusingly.

"Ma'am?" he asked, confused.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Planning on having your way with me?" She giggled as she said it.

Kaidan closed his eyes, trying not to laugh in kind. She was... did she have any idea what she was doing to him? Was it just the drugs talking? Should he encourage her? Flirting on the _Normandy_ was fine, it was fun and easy and harmless; flirting like this, alone, Shepard sprawled on top of him...

"That wouldn't be any fun, Commander," he heard himself saying. "I want you to be awake when we —"

He bit his tongue. Sometimes he really hated his brain.

"So you _do_ have a dirty mind under that poster-boy exterior," she teased. "I knew it."

"Couldn't say, ma'am," he said tersely, then cursed himself. That was no better, first flirty then cold. But Shepard didn't seem to notice.

"That's okay. It'll be more fun dragging it out of you slowly."

Was she — ? She was, wasn't she? She knew what she was doing. She was doing it deliberately. She was evil. Evil and sexy. And playing him. He couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face.

"I'd like that."

* * *

><p>Disclaimer: Characters and settings owned by BioWare.<p>

A/N: I am not a doctor, I don't even have first aid training, so I had to google and make up Kaidan's medic stuff as I went along. Please correct me if I've made glaring mistakes.

This story is kind of silly, hopefully in a good way. The UNC: Espionage Probe assignment drives me crazy, because Haliat traps Shepard in a shallow mine with a nuclear bomb, then hangs around outside the mine waiting for it to explode. Cunning genius, that.


End file.
